You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
