there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
