Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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