I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
