oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
