My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
