I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
