Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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