im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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