You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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