Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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