I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
