Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
