When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
