I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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