I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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