i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Redeem this text for a blowjob
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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