I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
