bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
