I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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