We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
