The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
