dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
