Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
i need some magic done to my vagina
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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