walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
