I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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