3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
