Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
