I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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