Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I am spending my child support on dildos
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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