my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
