Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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