i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
