We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
