I am puke
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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