I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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