i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
