wat bout pragnant strippers??
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
