My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
