nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
