Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just gift wrapped bread.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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