he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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