Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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