Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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