Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
