I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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