the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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