please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
