Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
