If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
