my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
