i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
