Swine flu. Run for my life!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Randomize
