The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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