Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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